A’s Wedding & Making Sense

One of my good friends A is getting married next month and she just mailed a picture of the lovely dress she’d be wearing at the ceremony. It was a simple yet very elegant piece and I expect no less from her since she’s got great sense in style. A’s the first in my circle of friends to finally tie the knot and it’s a bit sad that she’s in the U.S while we’re here talking about it in Facebook instead of sitting down at a comfortable place together and going over the preparation. Honestly, I never expected she’d tie the knot this early and the news came initially as a surprise. She’s a wonderful person and you’d like her instantly. I miss her quirkiness and the distinct presence she has in a group (especially during class—I miss those days!). I couldn’t be happier for her and there’s really nothing better seeing your friends at a happy and content place in their lives.

I just thought “A’s getting married” and I just took a step back and realize yet again that I’m in that crucial stage of life where I need to make something of myself in a span of a few years to make my “dreams” finally “come true”.

Life begins at the end of your comfort zone”. Tell me about! Although in my case, it seems that Life already started at the end of my comfort zone faster than I could’ve caught up with it and ended up dragging me along, kicking and way behind.

It’s been a year of non-productivity in a bigger sense (I did have my little accomplishments) and a lot of things have been a constant reminder of how sheltered my life was and how easy it has been for me. You say you want to attain independence, but it’s really easier said than done. The truth is, everything scares me now and I managed to squeeze out that truth from myself yesterday when I realized I couldn’t afford anything that I wanted/needed at all and I’ve been a bad combination of despondency and being complacent about my future. It’s stifling and scaring me. Being out there is where I want to be but then I’m not too keen on the idea of yanking off my pacifier just yet.

A’s moving forward to something new for her life and gearing up for it. And me… Where will I be in the next 3 years, 5 years or 10 years? I want to move up but I’m not sure where to start. I’m happy but this is not the kind of happiness that would give me the contentment and satisfaction I’m seeking. Tried to make a move and applied for jobs and ending up not getting them which made me feel horribly inadequate. But then I just thought “it’s probably not meant for me”.

I want to make things “meant” for me.

I’m trying to slow it all down and try to sort down my feelings. For a start, I’ll work on myself internally and address the issues with my self-esteem and trusting the paths I made and the paths I will make. I never worked so much on that now that I’ve thought about it.

I’m in my early 20s and I sound like I’m still stuck in that erratic adolescent phase of cluelessness, complaints and crushing misery combined. Where did the supposed “maturity” I gained every year go anyway? Never crossed my mind it would be so tough and I’m having trouble “winging it” without any concrete idea of my plans.

Things will work out, things will work out, things will work out.

By the end of this year, hopefully, things will be looking up. I’m seriously thinking about a concrete plan that would serve me in the coming future and really start weaning off that Peter Pan Syndrome I’m unconsciously putting on in my head.

  • Life savings.
  • Helping my family out.
  • Working out my career and my passion. I want a career in healthcare but I cannot lie to myself that my true passion is in the arts. We got our health provider certification from AHA—baby steps.

These are my true worries that I’ve been pacifying with books and the internet (opium of the modern people). Everyday is still a happy day for me and I really feel I can be eager in putting the extra work if I just sort out the trust issues I have with myself and making decisions. It’s just that I’m dying to know if I’ll ever get there and how long will it take.

Whew. Ok. Now that’s out of my chest.

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On a different note, I’m very happy for A! Everything will work out for her and she’s a brave woman and getting married I guess takes a lot of courage. It’s not exactly a walk in the park. Getting hitched is an incredibly foreign (yet welcome) idea for me. We’re still young but being with P is the most content I’ve ever been in my life. We’ll see.

It’ll be nice to attend A’s wedding through Skype at least and we’re all dressed up and we have a reception of our own, Lapid’s Chicharon and all. Congratulations A! 🙂

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3 Comments

Filed under Life

3 responses to “A’s Wedding & Making Sense

  1. N

    I know what you feel. Going through exactly the same thing. In here for you my dear friend. At least now we know where not alone. Growing up is difficult but were trying our best. I love you! See you soon?
    N

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