So much for.

This is probably the most non-descript summer of my life. Considering I’m one of the people with the most time—a recent graduate and a nursing student taking the December NLE—I should’ve been kicking back, enjoying the summer of 2011. All I wanted was city lights and to see things for miles, climb to the top of a hill, scream everything I hated and everything I loved. I wanted to be lost in the wind, carried somewhere, somewhere beautiful where for a brief time in space, you feel nothing is tangible and nothing threatened your sense of freedom.  I just wanted to gather around people I loved, laugh, have a tough night and feel my heart race. Living like thieves and never sleeping.

But none of these actually happened. So, much for Summer 2011.

Sometimes I wished I’d never grown up. Can I just go back to the warm summer days of the early 90s, where my sense of adventure was bigger than anything else and the world seemed a much bigger and nicer place?

It feels rather lonesome here, cramped, tired and a little heartsick and I’ve no other way to articulate these things. The prospect of having a job excited me immensely and I was looking forward to expanding my world by meeting new people. It’s been so long after all; I want to talk to them and match their passions with my own. Of course, you don’t expect it to be easy and the disappointment you discover when no one wants your existence squeezed in some company. It aches and I try to be practical, be reasonable to keep it from getting to me. The problem is I’m lacking the adrenaline and sheer force of will to keep it down. Now it seeps harshly. Sometimes I don’t think I’m getting any better at all. The world has always been the same hard and frightening place it has ever been. I just think that when we get older, we find it harder to view things with the same childlike enthusiasm. I’m probably just naïve, or maybe the way I’m responding to everyday situations is not exactly ace.

My walls are crumbling down and it irks me that I can’t enjoy the same solitude that I have once enjoyed. I’ve probably gone soft. Or I’m just restless? Or misdirected bad vibes? I’m so bored that have this time to overthink and mope and complain and whine.

I get bored easily and length loses my interest.


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