Anxiety

I dreamt about L.M again after years. It was the summer of 2004 and the summer heat was kinder then, with a warm blowy yellow weather: good for the soul. The buildings seemed less imposing than before and then everything suddenly feels so small and cramped. He was there and there was a familiar overpowering sense of loss, comfort, joy, companionship, self-consciousness rising up in my chest. It was like: Your feet freeze, swallow a lump in your throat, you feel alone in the world with the wall clock ticking loudly and there’s a false comfort and cheerfulness in the electric lights. Sunlight looked like majestic opaque daggers through the windows. I feel like my younger self again seeing him: terribly  skinny, fresh, flat chested, a non-descript pale face, cracking lips, uncoordinated, delicate. It didn’t take long for me to finally walk up and reach where he stood. He looked so old. He’s neatly made but then I see his dark hair with wisps of grey and white, the shadows under his eyes deepened, cheeks sank and he smiled at me— it emphasized the aging lines of his face. “You’re old” I say. “Time hasn’t always been kind” he says, “to anyone. But I’ve been busy” but he still smiled, stooping over me. Then I felt old—there’s heaviness on my shoulders and my posture fails me, my skin felt flaky, felt shaky, out of breath and fragile. I felt tired and parched and I was suddenly afraid of being disregarded and meaningless.

You’re young, feeling old.  No

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Here I am and let’s wait for our life to come around. We have something in common, D & I and I know where that comes from . We can’t give up now. not now, not quite yet. I can’t do that; where will I be for the next 5 years then? I can’t get away from the awkwardness, distance, inadequacy but I don’t let that the best of me because there’s always a thrilling new beginning for me. I have to convince myself because deep down I’m scared of the next thing yet I am convinced the life is still more of a fight than anything else. We’re all biting down hard & let’s not lose ourselves completely. We’re getting there, in creative not pain-free ways, but we’re gonna get there in the long stretches of the night. We’re gonna be mile-markers and do something until we can’t breathe and this is not all that we could ask for. Bite down hard. I’m gonna do that.

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I try my best not to overthink.  In my head there’s a lot of channel surfing going on and there’s some knots there on some days.

Papple has a job and feels fulfilled and I’m happy for him that something else is taking up his time productively. And that goes for everyone I know. I’m terribly anxious about getting a job but I need a new life and I feel like I’m missing out on something important. I’m halting the beginning of my new life set before me.

A dream begins somewhere, so they say.

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Let’s not grow apart in the process of everything else.

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I hope I get hired soon.

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