Ambivalence at its Worst

I’m terribly racked up about the upcoming results of the mock boards this Monday. We just finished rationalizing yesterday and I can’t let my mind wrap around the idea of me passing or failing. The results we’re bad although some part of me thinks it’s sort of expected since we’re talking about the mock boards. They’re not letting us go the easy way, definitely. There’s an incomprehensible amount of dread and anxiety that’s been building up in me but I’m trying my best not to get carried away and let it get the better of me. Based on the rationalization, I’m eligible to take the July NLE this year. The problem is the dreaded uncertainty of the Scantron scores. This waiting period and the anxiety that’s building up would be the worst ever in the history of anxious things in my life so far.

I’m happy that all of this is going to be over in just a few more weeks, but I’m terribly anxious and sad at the same time.

I’ve come out of a brief depressive episode, as evidenced by the last embarrassing and impulsive, sloppy entry. P is such a good provider of good vibes, even though we get on each other’s nerves really bad. Silence is the worst during those times—inhale, exhale, wasted breaths and silence in between is the loudest. Sometimes we feel tired and get pulled at so many directions—it’s always that. I might break if there was something more to than just being ‘tired’ and you fight. But Banana Boy P and I are solid rock and super fly and still bouncing off the walls (literally).

So~ I’m free for three days because RLE duties are over, which I will sorely miss methinks. It’s been an inescapable cycle of bad hair, bad skin, bad clothes, average grades, laziness, procrastination, chasing time, losing time, crumpled up exam papers and dirty room. My room has been dying for some attention for the past few weeks (or has it been more than a month?) and I guess it’s time to make it look decent and habitable now I’ve got free time. And I’ve got BOOKS to read and time for some retail therapy and writing, which is the best part ♥

The Manila summer heat is creeping earlier than expected, the humidity’s rising and making people go nuts and flocking to malls, so while I’m not drowning in madness by the heat, I’ll be calming my nerves looking for alternatives to Valium and listening to 90s music. Have a taste of Sugar Ray, just in case you’re not familiar with them.


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