Inside the Shell

“We all carry these things inside that no one else can see. They hold us down like anchors, they drown us out at sea.”

Is this chemical imbalance? I bet he doesn’t know what to do with me now and I’m probably hampering his capabilities to function and rest easy (or that’s just my vanity thinking I’d be THAT significant). I feel silly at the same time cowering inside my shell when my strength left me for today. I’m a walking toxic waste bin, I’m a living blackhole—I suck in all the positive vibes in an instant and completely incapable of letting them bounce back to the surface. This is one of the moments where I’m stuck and I don’t know what to do with myself. You feel too lazy to even care then too angry with the psychodrama you bring then just bored to death. So this is what losing touch with all the things life is supposed to include feels like. He’s the strongest point of contact with Life. I feel angry at myself today. I feel like a failure. I feel a lot of things sometimes; mostly I just ignore them. Sometimes they want to burst out and my skin feels like breaking. Sometimes I feel like I’m a ghost of some sort and people see me as something that is never actually there. I hurt people and I hate it when I hurt people unintentionally. I feel sad, disappointed, lost then it’s easily replaced by acrid rage because it’s me and only me because I stupidly can’t control anything. My helplessness comes from the feeling of losing control. I feel I don’t have control over my academic standing, my environment, myself, my relationships, how I present myself to others.

I feel a lot of things. I love him; I’m annoyed, I’m sad.

I also miss my father terribly, a feeling which I’ve been trying to hold down for a while. I feel the need for his older male presence, very strict, imposing but on the other side very gentle, his warmth, his constantly being there. He’ll always be a father figure to me despite the huge age gap and the generations between us. The need for the sense of security from an older father figure makes me appear needy, clingy and overly sensitive to things (I’m afraid of clinging to people and become an inconvenience). I hate knowing I’m weak; I hate when people see that. He’s my totem of strength, after all I modeled myself after him because of walls and I love the security of walls. Vulnerability gets the better of me sometimes, when I remember things back from when he was still alive and I don’t like the emotions that come back when I remember things. I think I’m clinging to people because of the lack of his male presence, I hate appearing dependent because it’s unbecoming. I felt cheated when he died honestly. I still feel cheated now. I try not to cry—I hate crying.

I suddenly miss my other friends. I miss Miah, I miss Bobs, I miss Jorrence, I miss Jaison, I miss Ralph, I miss Gerald… I suddenly miss them after all we had the best days for almost three years. When we all laugh together over silly things at around 10 o’clock in the evening without the care in the world. We were a good mix of kids at heart—some were 2-4 years younger than me, some where almost 6 years older than me. I had observed the best of different generations.

My academics and me. I feel crippled, deaf and mute… I can only wish and make more excuses. There’s so much unused potential I know. I feel like I’ve lost my game already early in this stage. I want to get my hands on to something concrete, something brilliant, something I can be proud of. But things have changed, I think I’ve changed for the worse. I think my bad habits are just piling up and I don’t know where to start to get myself back together. I can’t remember and understand things like I used to. I feel greatly impaired and immensely disappointed at what I’ve become. I’ve lost focus.

I want to have this connection with various sorts of people. The kind that flows like energy, like neon wave lengths, always moving and always making sure to make the most out of the limited time you can have before living your life like you’ve always have.

I love you spapple. If you read this, know that I love you very much. I’m such a mess sometimes and a wreck. I don’t have any excuses or to explain myself. I keep on apologizing for what I am, don’t I? Tsk. Can I get back from being alienated and ingrown and inadequate to being a bursting star? I love you and I borrow my light from you which is not good because I need light that comes from me. I’m sorry you feel lost when you want to take care of me. I can be better. I need to be. I have to be. I need to stop being like this while I’m sticking around because I’m going to be sticking around for a long time. I felt like I was going break when you touched my head. I love you and it’s silly to say but I’m building my life around you.

A good cry makes you feel clean.

So quiet.
Another wasted night.
The television steals the conversation.
Another wasted breath
again it goes unnoticed.
Please tell me you’re just feeling tired,
cause if it’s more than that I feel that I might break.
Out of touch. Out of time

– Again I Go Unnoticed, Dashboard Confessional


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