January has been such an exhausting month. The month I was definitely dependent and back to my major crutches in life which are procrastination and mindless eating. Certainly, my involvement in the two wasn’t intentional but these two are so deadly when paired up and I was definitely under a lot of stress from academics. Let me just give a feel of what I felt like during January 2011. Not exactly necessary but I just need to get this out my system so by this week is over; it’s going to completely feel like a fresh start.
Fear and self-loathing. Of being really lousy, stupid, careless, overly sensitive, overly numb, inadequate…
I show a calm front and fight it in the precincts of myself and sometimes I feel like cracking when fighting it inside becomes too much and it dares to reveal itself to the public. I’m not weak, just confused sometimes and unwell. Not yet a slave to the wage, but definitely slaving myself over such a tedious job for almost 13 hours , working roughly until I find myself doing better in my classes and other academic-related activities. In any case, I thought, I should try to engage in some relaxing activities, reading, music, etc. in the evenings. I promised to keep myself intact, outside academia, outside my work. And then you think they can’t ask more from me than my best. Only I know the limits on my best are.
During that time, I don’t feel compelled to complain nor compare what I feel from others because I perfectly know everyone is fighting a hard battle of their own. I can’t say “I have no choice”. There’s always a choice. I have the choice to: flee, ruin myself, gloat that I can’t be perfect right away, without pain and failure. Or there’s always the option of facing your own life in your own terms and “make the best of the situation”.
Sometimes I hate it when I am measured for being who I’m not. I felt cut-off from life and I tried not to cry about it (which I did burst out crying about). I’m not happy about my work. I’m not a perpetual optimist thus my outputs are second-rate from what comes out of my system when I’m into it (e.g. Asian Civ subject under X). This frustrated me. I can’t put my mind into anything lately. I must work to be worth more; I shall not be more by mere wishful thinking.
It was a month of thinking and being kind to myself while mindlessly munching on junk (I’ve been feeling physically down lately- probably too much processed foods). Every one of us is cracked and flawed and I chose to shoulder my own flaws (annoyingly painful – if they were plants they’d be poison ivy). It’s all about groaning, moaning, complaining, frayed nerves and exasperated sighs and in the end you see everyone and feel your own crack and realize no one gets used to pain. But not being a perfect “you” also hurts.
Where exactly am I getting? I’ll be a human and live on my own fallible terms. Carry my own cracks. And it’s difficult to learn these things knowing there’s a huge gap between my self-expectations and what I am in reality. But I must be kind also and be a friend to myself, there’s no use getting miserable because no one cares for such gray grit and when I feel apart from myself, split and the shadows and gloom loom over me. No more, no more.
Never give myself a chance to fall apart because when I do, it becomes a tendency and it happens all over again. That’s this year’s manifesto.
I am blessed to have people who love me, who keep me stable when I’m grinding through the present. They are the hug I always want when I’m weary and they always dull the edge of the sharp knife I cut through me. Can’t control how grumpy I get when they strike my ficky nerves and I’m really at my worst—procrastinating, chaffed and petulant. But I NEED them and I love them so. Especially spapple. He’s calm to my storm and I soften up whenever he’s with me and makes me laugh when I can’t find reasons to laugh. He’s so good to me that it overwhelms me sometimes that he’s with me. (I love you so much spongklong. I don’t want to tire you out).
R’s strong. I am writing about the excesses of January; grit into paper—or a web blog hence the negativity it screams. I write to deal with things. It’s February now and the year’s only beginning. I am stronger and being a better me; not running to anything that would give me a sense of security or whatever it takes to protect me from further disappointments and feeling inhibited. I am my own master, sticking my guns out, smile, be polite as fuck, work through the present grind and not run away and escape to world which I can relax.