Not With a Fizzle But With a Bang

Goodbye 2010, Hello 2011

Happy new dreams, happy new days, happy new desires,  happy new weekends, happy new you. Cheers to a New Year and for another chance to making it right! ♥

The years seem to get shorter as I realize I’m another year older. The previous year, 2010, has been an incredible year for me. I would like to thank those who hated me and were definitely annoyed by me in 2010, you made me a stronger person. Thank you to those who loved me, you made my heart bigger (especially you wanderboy for giving me a heart that cares). To those who cared for me, you made feel important. Thank you also for those who worried, you let me know that you care. Thank you also for those who left, you showed me not everything is forever and despite all this, you can still pick up some of the pieces for irreplaceable values and lessons. Thank you very much to those who stayed, you showed me the meaning of true friends. And thank you to those who entered my life especially those who came this 2010, you made me who I am today.

For 2011, I’m here with all my needs and wants, all these dreams that are lined up on my list. Last night as 2011 dawned upon the redonkulousness of my life in the form of thick, thick annoyingly thick smoke… I realized what a blessing it is to breathe, stand, experience the planet Earth and all of existence and if I die this year, once that happens… is my soul going to go somewhere? It made me feel really uncomfortable but at the same time celebratory. Ironic isn’t it? Life is strange and my life has been stranger than most. But at the end of the day, it feels like coming closer to finishing the puzzle pieces and everyone deserves what they deserve—in both good ways and bad ways.

And I do hope I get what I deserve, in a good way, because 2011 is going to be my year—the year I have R.N attached to my name. At the moment, I’m still trying to figure out how to be better and how to be good enough for myself and for the people I care about because what I have to offer is not enough. So this year, I expect more from myself. I headed into last year excited but unsure, a little bit psyched and foggy-headed. 2010 was fun but the most important goals I’ve decided to set just slid back. Now this year, I’ll go for goals I can measure and stick to them if I adapt the same discipline I have to cost cutting to manage my own life now that I’m graduating.

The highlight of my year is my boyfriend, I have to say. No more pining away against walls at school corridors and the agony of uncertainty and fear of unfolding yourself completely to another person. Teenage love has it rough and tough, not the cookie cutter or fairytale romances tell. Two separate beings are able to hinge together by their combined individual flaws. This is about liking someone for what they are, not what you think they are. I didn’t want people to carry something of them that’s real inside whenever they’re around me. I would like someone to be able to do what they are around me. I have issues and I’m terribly awkward and difficult with my bad days that I wish all my fears would turn into dust. Sometimes I find it difficult to keep my emotions in check, sometimes I feel too much, I feel too little, I feel too lousy and I feel jealous and scared for the future and scared because it’s the first time I’m feeling a myriad of emotions I wouldn’t care about before or wouldn’t allow myself to feel. But you’re such an inescapable happy thought and I’m experiencing the world with you. Let’s do it right and better this year. Let’s start over, make better and lesser mistakes. I love you and that’s all I ever want to do this year and the coming years.

2010, thank you so much for all that you were. It was a year of sparkle, delight and making tough choices and working my ass off for something bigger. ♥

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